My dilemma since 2008..

... that I want to solve this year for good.

Here's the background of everything. This is a few years background so this is gonna be long. I hope someone will help me decide what to do.. -- We have had family issues even before my Zaza arrived in this world. Our store (where all the family's money and retirement pays of my parents went) got bankrupt which caused the failed relationship of my parents, cause my Mom says she lacked support from my Dad when business problems arrives and my Dad says he does support - which we thought he really did, but later, after a few years with him, we saw that he really does leave/look away when problem arises.

We didn't have electricity for 5years and was able to live with it. We almost had no food to eat everyday, but we managed as time went by.

Mom was then always out for some reason, fixing something for us, settling some issues with the bank, etc. But for awhile I caught what she was doing. And while Mom was enjoying being away, I was away from the family too, coz I didn't want to live in a "dysfunctional" family. In the process of redirecting my focus to work, friends, drinks, parties - I got pregnant. I returned home and broke the news to my Dad, also told him about Mom that she's been seeing her Ex, which broke his heart. He tried a few times to win back Mom but she declined and said she's fed up. So, we tried and went on with life without her.

Zaza arrived and I couldn't bear to let him live without electricity. So I rented a small boarding house. Everyone else lived there because there was electricity and we missed everything about it - good thing the owner wasn't that strict and allowed everyone to stay there. My little income teaching at Informatics and my sister's couldn't support all of us. So my sister said she had to leave us for manila coz she said she'd work to help us here.

When she arrived in Manila, we lost contact with her for a few months coz, then, we knew she wasn't after work but for some guy. She only gave us very small amount of help that we thought it was way better when she was here. Time flew and her mind got straight and her relationship with that guy was over - so her help was slowly increasing and getting consistent.

Our income still wasn't enough to support as all, Dad already sold our jeepy to sustain us for a few months. Then the owner of the boarding house said, we should look for another place because she's going to make that area a commercial building. So we were forced to go back home. Good thing our neighbor - who happens to be our old nanny - agreed that we tap electricity from them. We couldn't get our own because the bill we owe cepalco is over 24k. We are still getting our electricity from them up until now, we promised 6months and we'll try to get our own but it's been almost 3yrs (paying regularly) and I thank God they're not fed up with us yet.

We had electricity then but we still had income issues. So I told Dad if I had a computer, I would be able to provide enough for everyone. Dad exchanged our motorcycle for a desktop computer and yes It really did help us survive the years until now. After providing the computer, automatically everything was on my shoulders. Bills, food, baby's needs, etc.

When we were slowly standing up, Dad went the same way with mom, not with his Ex but with Zaza's nanny - who I fired immediately after I knew about their relationship. We were furious when we knew, he even denied it to death and said I was lying. What would I benefit if I lied? I knew all of his excuses, I could predict all of his actions because I've been thru an unwanted/forbidden relationship when I was in HS, and was in it for 4years, so I've used up all the excuses there are in the world - the exact/similar excuse he gives us. So anyway, He went on with the nanny which made us change our relationship with him also - like mom. Our uncle (dad's brother), tried to move him away - to manila - to keep him away from the nanny. I was left here with my sister (who was still in school - graduating), Zaza, and a couple of nannies went by. I was still providing for us, we asked dad for help sometimes and he usually sends help right away. But later we noticed he was slowly declining our help request. We then knew she was sending money to the nanny and sent her money to follow him to manila. We knew about this when my uncle caught them together, in an ambush visit at manila, so he sent dad back here. We heard the nanny is back too, but pregnant.

FAST FORWARD 2008>>

We still have stocks from the store which no one touches until they pass thru me and my sister, and that if one of them sells, one should get a share of the profit. It has been agreed earlier that the stocks should be used to pay off our debts but that has never happened. I invested for the stocks to be moved but hasn't been taken care off for debt paying and all. I try to tell both sides to take care of it so the problem is solved, but I guess their focus isn't on their problems but their current life happenings. In short, I'm the bridge in almost every decision that deals with the both of them. It's like I'm the parent and they're the kids.

March - we had problems with my sister's last tuition fee to graduate. I was willing to provide everything but I wanted my parents to provide for her coz I know they have money, they just don't use it for us anymore. They were forced to provide, my older sister gave too, and I gave my share, so she's done.

We were blessed with a small eatery later around June, I invested with dad so we could start. We agreed if everything is in place we would open a joint account for the earnings and every month we would have profit sharing. He agreed. But as time went by, I didn't get to sign any bank requirement for joint account so I asked him for it, he had excuses that there's a minimum and all. My younger sister was the auditor, so we were sure she's doing a great job, she said that the money she gave dad in total has already reached the "minimum" excuse he said. So I thought, dad has another plan for this eatery that's why he hasn't let me sign anything for joint account - I told my sister he's going to get us out of his way in the future and he'll manage this with the partner of his choice. I withdrew my portion of the investment and left him and my sister incharge for the eatery. Later Dad fired my sister coz he says when she's around, she's the boss and not him, he gets pissed everytime my sister asks what the money he's asking is for and where it'd go. So, I was right, he really had a plan for the eatery and he chose his partner, his new girl.

Mom on the other hand is back living with us because she says she misses Zaza and I ask for help most of the time. I ask her to just cook for us or watch over Zaza when I'm out on a meeting or client call. And I have been thankful for her help and I give her money when I have extra cause that's what keeps this family going, when they see/receive money, they're happy to help. When they don't, they complain most of the time. I also tell her all the time to take care of the stocks here before Dad slowly sells them himself and she won't benefit more from it. But I don't know what's keeping her from doing that. I tell her everytime that if she really wants to do it, she will find a way.

My frustration with my younger sister (who doesn't have work up until now) is that she doesn't seem to help - with all her heart - in taking care of Zaza, or scolds Zaza every minute and every move, so I'm not really comfortable with her alone watching over Zaza. I usually have mom and her together. She has excuses like "I don't know what to do", "I don't know what's that" - I know she knows but she just isn't up for it. She doesn't have a good relation with my mom also, she doesn't listen to mom, even small favors, I have to reiterate the command and she follows. She cleans the house though, but cleaning with murmurs and complains, I tell her it's normal for a child to be everywhere, we just need to follow them when they're done, and teach them to clean, not keep every toy he holds and drops. I tell her Zaza's still exploring, watching everything we do, every reaction we have towards each other. He doesn't know everything about the world and everything in it yet and we should help introduce the world to him. I hope she keeps this in mind. I also giver her money when I have extra for helping in taking care of Zaza and when I see an honest effort of taking care of the house. Coz again, it's what keeps them going.

My older sister has just been married last month so we're expecting her to start living her life.

Dad didn't spend Christmas and New Year with us but with the new girl's family. He always says he doesn't have money and eatery has no income. He doesn't give a single peso for the house's needs even if we know he has income/money from my uncle, we just overhear thru his conversation with the girl of their trips and expenses. He also has been sneaking out stocks, I guess, selling for him and the new girl.

That's about everything I guess.. So here are my dilemmas:

1. Should I pay the old electricity bill of 24k so we get our own electricity? We bill around 1k to 1,300 every month and we only have tv, dvd player, 2 fans, lights, and my laptop. When I had my desktop I had about the same bill, I changed to laptop which has way smaller wattage and I still bill the same. Our neighbor says they have been paying only 40.00 every month eversince. I just agree with what's given to us because we are just tapping.

2. Should I, Zaza, and my sister move to manila and let my parents settle their problems? Like who gets what stocks, where it should go, and solve their personal issues? This is what my older sister and some of my friends suggest, but eversince, I have never been selfish and think about my own benefit. I'm worried that if I leave them behind something worse might happen to them, the house, and the stocks. Either the stocks get stolen because no one will take care of it or they kill each other. For me, they are still my parents, can't just leave them behind, but a part of me wants to leave and breathe. I tried to ask for advice from church elders but only one replied, from Canada, she said I must be here for a reason, and that I should stay for them, but I feel so pressured when everything I do doesn't go right, every effort I do for everything to work isn't doing much at all.

3. Should I sell the stocks for them and solve their problems and see thru and make the family work?

What should I do? If you were in my shoes what would you do?

I have been praying endlessly for strength to surpass all these, for everyone to be ok, for everyone to see us get pass all these. And have been hoping and wishing that one day our family will be together - happy like we used to be.